The Greatest Show on Earth
by nrynmrth
Summary: "Alex never expected to find himself in this situation with an elephant and a mouse." For the 2018 Easter fic exchange. Oneshot, undeniably cracky.


The circus, Alex decided, was the absolute worst place for a mission. Crowds of children and amused parents, peanut shells cracking under his bare feet—not to mention the false beard and the waistcoat that bared his torso from collarbones to navel—oh, he was never coming back to this place, not even if Jones promised him two weeks' leave.

 _All because of one blasted scientist-cum-ringmaster—_

He scowled at the thought of the reason he was here, fists clenching, the knives in his pockets clinking against each other.

"Nervous?" a female voice said kindly from beside him, and he pasted on a smile.

"Just a bit, Rosie," he answered, turning to face her. "Last show, and all that." _Oh, it had better be the last,_ he continued inwardly. _If I have to stay here one more night…heads will roll._

She laughed at that, patting the hide of the elephant beside her. "For you, maybe. Jenny and I are just getting started." The elephant trumpeted loudly, and Alex fought the urge to cover his ears, migraine worsening. "I'll miss you," she said sincerely, and his smile became a little more genuine.

"Yeah, me too," he told her, "but it's time for me to get home."

"Oi, James!" a voice called, and he turned, sighing.

"Yeah?"

The ringmaster grinned cruelly at him, something dark lurking in the corners of his eyes. "Good luck," he said, an edge of smugness in his voice, and Alex felt his stomach drop. _Bloody hell._

"Thanks," he replied neutrally, and beside him, Rosie made a face.

"That man," she groaned, and Alex nodded in agreement. "So," his friend started again, eyes crinkling mischievously, "got a girl you're trying to get back to?"

 _Not unless Tulip Jones counts as my girl…_

His answer was cut off by the ringmaster's shout as the lights in the centre of the tent came on. "Ladies and gentlemen!" the man boomed, and Alex groaned internally. _Here we go._

 _"Get ready, Rider,"_ his handler ordered through the comms, and Alex tapped the tiny earwig once in acknowledgement.

"The world's finest knife thrower…James Spearman!" his mark cried dramatically, and Alex stalked onto the stage, bare feet near-silent. His target lay under a spotlight, the brightly-painted circles gleaming.

"One!" the crowd chanted with the circus master's urging, and Alex threw the first knife, taking a moment to feel modemouseely pleased with himself as it thudded into the centre of the target and stood there, quivering.

"Two!" his audience screamed, and he let the second knife go, sending it into the centre of another target, this one suspended from the top of the tent.

"And now, our esteemed knife thrower will attempt to hit the most difficult target of all! It's small, it's fast, and it's practically invisible…it's Mighty Mouse!"

From the corner of his eye, Alex saw Rose lift the top off a tiny cage, giving the grey mouse a slightly sad pat on the head before sending it scampering toward him, a bright red circle on its side marking the target.

"Three!" the ringmaster bellowed with the crowd, and Alex let the knife fly…into the rope holding the trapeze net above the ringmaster. Sharpened carefully the night before, the blade sliced through the fibres with ease, sending the net down to tangle the ringmaster in its confines. The mouse scampered past, unharmed. The crowd muttered, some tittering at the ringmaster's misfortune. Alex bowed, and walked out.

Reaching the crew's area, he broke into a run, searching for the mouse Rosie had set free. A set of tiny, claw-like footprints made a trail through the sawdust of the technicians' corner, and Alex smiled grimly. _Got you._

Turning the corner, he followed the footprints…right to the feet of a large elephant. _Ah, hell._

"Give me the mouse, Rosie," he sighed, masking his irritation with pleading. "Just let me take it and I can pretend I hit it so the ringmaster doesn't send me packing without pay—" he widened his eyes hopefully, but for once the older woman wasn't swayed.

"Sorry, James. It was hard enough letting Barry go the first time…I can't do it again."

Alex gritted his teeth, his handler's tinny voice echoing in his ears. _"Hurry up, Rider. He's escaping the net, and if he finds that rodent…"_

"I know," he snapped into the comms. "Just give me a minute. Please, Rosie," he practically begged, eyes zeroing in on the red splotch on the squirming rodent's body.

"Why?" she demanded in return, and he scrubbed at his face.

"Because the ringmaster's been feeding a biological nerve agent to it for months, and if I'd thrown the knife at it, the gas would've killed us all," he explained tersely, abandoning all pretence. "He's coming for the damn rat, and if you don't let go, you're going to die!"

 _"No!"_ Rosie growled. "I thought we were _friends_ , James, but clearly I don't know you at all, not with this bloody story you're making up," she sniffled. "Jenny, now!"

And then he found himself shoved into the wall by an enormous grey mountain as the mouse skittered into the tent corner and hid itself in a pile of sawdust. Suddenly, his eyes caught a flash of red from behind his friend, and he sucked in a breath.

"Hide, Rosie!" he commanded her urgently as the ringmaster started to turn the corner to where they were standing. "The ringmaster's coming. Please," he begged when she didn't move, and something in his face must have convinced her, because she hurried over to the technicians' booth and crouched behind it.

"James Spearman," the ringmaster hissed, a mad light in his eyes, and Alex traded his worry for a cocky smirk.

"Hello, ringmaster," he answered. "Come to see the show?"

"Actually," his opponent said with mock-thoughtfulness, "I've come to gloat." He pulled off his top hat, then, and Alex could have groaned with frustration…because inside the hat's depths sat a small grey mouse.

As though sensing his emotions, Jenny raised her trunk and gave a loud call beside his ear, leaving his head ringing and drowning out his handler's voice. An angry scowl crossed the ringmaster's face, then, and he pulled out a pistol from his belt. Aiming at the elephant, he snarled, "Shut that ruddy animal up!"

"I can't!" Alex snarled back. "I'm a knife thrower, not a bloody animal whisperer."

The ringmaster clicked the safety off the gun, still pointing it at the elephant. "Then I'll kill it. And then you. Or maybe you first, hmm?" he asked and Alex almost slammed his head back into the wall out of sheer frustration. These were circumstances he'd been in many times—a pistol aimed at his head, a group of innocents to protect, a madman hell-bent on world domination.

He'd never expected to find himself in this situation with an elephant and a mouse, though.

"Leave him alone!" Rosie shouted, standing from her hiding place, and Alex groaned at the sight of the ball of grey fur in her shaking right hand. _Two mice._

Slowly, he inched his left hand toward his pocket, praying Jenny wouldn't shift and crush him as a trembling Rosie threatened the ringmaster. _Almost got it…_ stretching his fingers just a tiny bit more, he closed them around the knife's polished handle.

It took a half a second to send the knife through the air, SCORPIA'S training ensuring that it embedded itself in the ringmaster's shoulder and sent his gun clattering through the floor. The man howled in pain, but Alex was already moving, slipping past Jenny's bulk in the commotion and scooping up the ringmaster's top hat as the man fell back, clutching his wound.

"You bastard—"

"Oh, _shut up!"_ Alex snarled, jabbing a pressure point in the man's neck and rendering him unconscious.

"You were—you were telling the truth, then," Rosie's voice came hesitantly from behind him, and he closed his eyes.

"Yeah," Alex admitted, yanking the knife from the man's unconscious body and wiping it on his red coat. "Sorry," he continued softly. "Wish I could've told you, but…" he shrugged, unsure of how to finish, and to his surprise, Rosie shook her head.

"Don't worry about it," she said, voice cracking at first but gaining strength. "I never liked him anyway."

Alex barked a sharp laugh at that, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Yeah, Rosie, me either."

 _"Get out of there, Rider,"_ his handler reminded him curtly. _"Chit-chat later."_

He winced. "Sorry, Rosie, but I've got to go. It was…it was nice meeting you," he offered, and she smiled, a hint of her old fire returning.

"Lovely to meet you too, James," she grinned. "Don't worry about me. Think it's time this circus had some new leadership, anyway," she continued thoughtfully, eyes returning to the unconscious ringmaster before meeting his wickedly. "I always did look good in a red coat…"

A true laugh escaped him then, and Alex grinned at her. "Bye, Rosie. See you around, yeah?"

She grinned back. "See you. If he's any trouble, give him a good smack for Jenny and me, okay?" she asked, gesturing toward the ringmaster.

"'Course," he answered her, hoisting the man onto his shoulder and keeping a firm hold of the mouse in the top hat with the other. Offering her one last faint grin, he dragged the unconscious man through the tent flap, handing both body and hat off to his handler.

"Let's get out of here," he grumbled, climbing into the waiting car. "I need to give Jones a piece of my mind."

Crawley was silent for a moment. Then, "Looking like that?" his handler asked, an almost inaudible edge of amusement colouring his tone as he deposited body and hat in the trunk and climbed into the drivers' seat, and Alex looked down at the knife still in his hand.

"One more word about the bloody waistcoat and it'll be the last thing you see before I shove this knife into your brain stem," he threatened, and Crawley raised an eyebrow.

"Shouldn't mention the beard either, then?"

 _Bloody hell._


End file.
